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Where is the empathy and compassion towards parents?
Joanne Lewis • Nov 19, 2019
Where did all this judgement come from?
Before I became a parent I really worried about how good I'd be at it. I'd often joked to my friend that she'd have to come and help me raise my child because as much as I was desperate to become a mother, I'd never felt particularly maternal... but from the moment our eldest son was born, being a mum was the easiest thing I'd ever done.
Something I've felt ever since becoming a mother though, is there's a lot of judgement! Breast milk or formula, crying-it-out, attachment parenting, Gina Ford, the Supernanny, too much or too little discipline... What's a mum to do? How do I know if it's right?
Despite all of the potential avenues and unwarranted advice, I loved being a mum in the early years, my son wasn't easy, he didn't sleep, but he was energetic, inquisitive, happy and funny. Wow was I smitten. Then when he was 2.5 years old, he started pre-school, and I became that mum who was asked to stay behind after EVERY session to talk... From day 1 they were talking to me about a child I didn't recognise... This wasn't my son... My mum used to joke that he was "the devil incarnate" - but it had all been said in jest - now this was what I was hearing from his nursery.
I was judged about what time he went to bed, what was in his lunch box, if he spent all day watching TV or playing on an I-pad, whether he got enough exercise... It was only after they had exhausted every avenue of trying to blame my parenting for his behaviour (and failed miserably, because I was killing it), that they turned to the possibility that there was something "wrong" with him... and as it happens, according to society there was - 2 years later, after the worst period of my life dealing with a school who just wanted to blame my son for his behaviour without putting in any support, and several exclusions from nursery and reception when he was only 4 (I mean, who excludes a 4 year old?) he received his autism diagnosis, and an acceptance that he also had ADHD, although we had to wait a further 2 years for a diagnosis when he was 6.
The reason I'm telling you all this, is so that you'll understand, that when I heard a child screaming for 15 straight minutes at the supermarket on Sunday, my thoughts were "that poor family, I wonder if they need some help?"... So when at this same moment I heard an older lady berating the family to her adult son, it set something off inside of me.
"They shouldn't have brought him to the supermarket" she said, "It's just not right, can't they control their child" she continued... "we shouldn't have to put up with this, they should take him out of here" and finally "some people just shouldn't have kids"...
Red rag to a bull... I'm used to my son getting overwhelmed by sensory inputs, and I'm used to the stares, whispering, and judgement. What I'm not used to is saying something about it... but this time I did!
"SOME PEOPLE" I said "have children who are autistic or have sensory difficulties, Some people do their best to recognise and respond to their child's needs, but it isn't always possible to calm them down... I have an autistic son who doesn't respond well to supermarkets, but I'm lucky enough to be able to come shopping without him... Some people don't have that option, some people are single parents, or just want to attempt to get out of the house".
"It's hard isn't it" She responded...
"No, it's not hard to not pass judgement on other people. It's not hard to show a little empathy and compassion for the parents who I am certain are as tired of the screaming as you are, and tired, and stressed, and fed up with being judged.
She walked away.
When I got home, I debated with myself why I had spoken up, and whether it was right, after all, the women has a right to her own opinions. But that's when I realised, it wasn't the fact she had said "some people shouldn't be parents", it was the fact she thought it. Why so much judgement? Is a child crying really the worst thing that could happen during your visit to a supermarket?
If we all showed a little more empathy and compassion, I believe parents would be more likely to remain loving and sensitive to their children. Criticism makes parents feel incompetent, feeling judged makes it more likely parents will react in ways that are harsh, leading to children feeling bad, which in turn leads to more negative behaviour. It’s a lose-lose all the way around.
I want to ask you, next time you feel like someone isn't parenting the way they should, pause and think - maybe something isn't going well in their life, maybe their child has a disability, has hurt themselves, or maybe, they're just a toddler learning to navigate their world and work through their emotions?
To all you new parents out there, please just do the best job YOU can do... follow your heart and your gut instinct and things will go just fine. Don’t fear the judgers. Don’t give them power by letting them get in your head to question if your child should be behaving a certain way, or if you should be giving them more discipline/choice/freedom? Don't ever allow other peoples opinions to influence how you respond to your children. Tune them out and focus on what your child is struggling with and what they need from you to cope. Trust yourself: You know your child and what they need when they're having a hard time.
It’s not your job to please the judgers, it’s your job to raise a child who can cope with life’s frustrations and disappointments, and who knows, maybe have their back if you ever meet the judgers face to face.
I hope I didn't offend, I hope that lady went away and thought about what I said, and maybe next time will think twice? But more importantly I hope that next time you're out with your child, and they're maybe causing a scene, you won't worry about the judgers, because I promise, someone else has got your back (even if you don't know it).
As soon as I got home from the supermarket I ran upstairs to grab my camera, I wanted to document the raw emotions I felt in that moment, and create something that showed the stress of life, and how sometimes people are already going through enough without external forces piling a bit more on top.
I'm very lucky that I have trained under some really amazing photographers, who have not just taught me photography and editing skills, but how to think outside of the box, break the rules, and create art that tells a story... Fellow photographer Brooke has written a blog about family and newborn workshops in Australia, and when I was reading her list of amazing photographers who are training out there I realised I've been fortunate enough to train with several of them, and it's certainly whet-my-appetite to go and book some more, but I suppose I'll have to wait for them to come back to the UK.
What are your thoughts? Was I in the right or wrong to speak up? Have you ever felt judged as a parent... or do you judge others?
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